JABbering Stooge

Coming soon to an anti-Muslim propaganda poster near you.

You know, it’s been a while since I last unleashed the truth serum on a prominent conservative. I think we’re about due for another round. And boy howdy, I don’t think that there ever was a more appropriate target than Michelle MalKKKin’s racist, Christofascist claptrap last week. As with the last time I did this, I’ll present the text of her piece of offal, marking it up as I go in the following manner:

• Text that is gray and marked through represents something the conservative would not say if forced to tell the truth.

• Text that is red and italicized represents something the conservative would say if forced to tell the truth.

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Dear Muslim Terrorist Plotter/Planner/Funder/Enabler/Apologist,

You do not know me. But I am on the lookout for you. You are my enemy. And Even if I am you don’t consider me yours.

I am John Doe William Joseph Simmons**.

I am traveling on your plane. I am riding on your train. I am at your bus stop. I am on your street. I am in your subway car. I am on your lift. I will stalk you to a much worse degree than Margaret Ray did with David Letterman.

I am your neighbor who will call the police 200 times a night to report you for being a non-Christian. I am your customer who will work 24/7 to get you fired or drive away all your business so that you can never work in this country again. I am your classmate who will attempt to get you expelled for the crime of trying to live the American Dream like everyone else. I am your boss who will fire you even if you are my best employee.

I am John Doe a resentful, predatory stalker***.

I will never forget the example of the passengers of United Airlines Flight 93 who refused to sit back on 9/11 and let themselves be murdered in the name of Islam without a fight. Because even if you are a tax-paying nonviolent citizen who happens to be Muslim, you are my enemy, and I will lump you in with Osama’s Wrecking Krew™ every chance I get.

I will never forget the passengers and crew members who tackled al Qaeda shoe-bomber Richard Reid on American Airlines Flight 63 before he had a chance to blow up the plane over the Atlantic Ocean. Never mind that he was caught for being stupid. I’ll jump on any excuse to demand a Final Solution to the Muslim Problem.

I will never forget the alertness of actor James Woods, who notified a stewardess that several Arab men sitting in his first-class cabin on an August 2001 flight were behaving strangely. The men turned out to be 9/11 hijackers on a test run. Thus, proving that racial profiling works, no matter what The Washington Post and CNN say.

I will act when homeland security officials ask me to “report suspicious activity.,” blatantly ignoring how Soviet-esque that sounds.

I will embrace my local police department’s admonition: “If you see something, say something.” Even though that doesn’t go far enough. The motto needs to be “If you see a Muslim, kill ‘em!”

I am John Doe Joseph Goebbels.

I will protest your Jew-hating, America-bashing “scholars.,” in order to replace them with Muslim-hating, America-über-alles-promoting “scholars.”

I will petition against your hate-mongering mosque leaders even as I promote my hate-mongering church leaders.

I will raise my voice against your subjugation of women and religious minorities even as the theocrats I helped elect lobby in favor of subjugating women and religious minorities.

I will challenge your attempts to indoctrinate my children in our schools even as I seek to indoctrinate your children in Biblically-literal creationism, abstinence-only sex-ed, and hatred of homosexuals and “libruls”.

I will combat your violent propaganda on the Internet with violent Internet propaganda of my own.

I am John Doe David Duke.

I will support law enforcement initiatives to spy on your operatives “libruls” and anyone else I don’t like, cut off your funding, and disrupt your murderous conspiracies ship anyone I don’t like off to Syria and other places where they torture people for no reason whatsoever, because that’s the only way I can get my jollies.

I will oppose all attempts to undermine our borders and immigration laws allow anyone who isn’t a straight, white conservative Christian into our country.

I will resist the imposition of sharia principles and sharia law in my taxi cab, my restaurant, my community pool, the halls of Congress, our national monuments, the radio and television airwaves, and all public spaces. I will do this by imposing Christian Dominionist principles in my taxi cab, my restaurant, my community pool, the halls of Congress, our national monuments, the radio and television airwaves, and all public spaces.

I will not be censored in the name of tolerance. Instead, I will do the censoring in the name of intolerance.

I will not be cowed by your Beltway lobbying groups in moderate clothing. I will not cringe when you shriek about “profiling” or “Islamophobia.” Leave the shrieking about “profiling” and “Christophobia” to me!

I will put my family’s safety above historical sensitivity. I will put my twisted notions of my country above multiculturalism treating Muslims with any semblance of human dignity.

I will not submit to your will. Instead, you must submit to my will or DIE, HEATHEN SCUM!!!! BLARRRRGHHH!!!! I will not be intimidated.

I am John Doe Eric Robert Rudolph.

Pass it on. Onward, Christian soldiers, marching as to war!****

* For those who don’t know what the heck I’m blathering about, go here.

** William Joseph Simmons founded the Second Ku Klux Klan in 1915. Very appropriate, ne?

*** According to “Study of Stalkers”. Mullen, et al.

**** Lyrics to the hymn can be found here.

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As usual, you can find much better, and more timely, demolitions of MalKKKin’s crap elsewhere. Try here or here.

Quite frankly, I’m amazed that she didn’t pull something along the lines of Earth Alliance Ministry of Peace Regional Director Pierce Macabee’s speech announcing the creation of the Nightwatch in “In the Shadow of Z’ha’dum.”

And, gee, what a surprise, Malkin’s “call to action” has already prompted her unhinged followers to new heights of lunacy. Check out this nutjob who all but issues a terrorist threat of his own against the six imams arrested for the crime of being openly Muslim. Then again, this is typical Malkin fare: