JABbering Stooge

As promised, here’s my take on The Most Holy George W. Christ commuting Libby’s sentence (with the promise of a full pardon to come) if he had been on truth serum at the time.

The United States Court of Appeals for the D.C. Circuit today rejected Lewis Libby’s request to remain free on bail while pursuing his appeals for the serious convictions of perjury and obstruction of justice completely and totally unaccountable to the laws that the “little people” have to follow. As a result, Mr. Libby will be required to turn himself over to the Bureau of Prisons to begin serving his prison sentence.

I have said throughout this process that it would not be appropriate to comment or intervene in this case until Mr. Libby’s appeals have been exhausted, or unless I need to protect my mentally-two-year-old ass from being frog-marched out of the office that my daddy’s buddies on the Supreme Court installed me in over the will of the American people. But with the denial of bail being upheld and incarceration imminent, and “Scooter” about to sing like a canary about Unka Dick’s and my crimes, I believe it is now important to react to that decision.

From the very beginning of the investigation into the leaking of Valerie Plame’s name, I made it clear to the White House staff and anyone serving in my administration that I expected full no cooperation with the Justice Department until after I had finished stacking it with cronies who would only prosecute Democrats and the people who vote for them. Dozens of White House staff and administration officials dutifully cooperated with my order on pain of torture.

After the investigation was under way, the Justice Department appointed United States Attorney for the Northern District of Illinois Patrick Fitzgerald as a Special Counsel in charge of the case. Mr. Fitzgerald is a highly qualified, professional prosecutor commiepinko-traitor threatening to sap our precious bodily fluids, even though he’s a registered Republican, who carried out his responsibilities as charged committed political assasasssa assissin deathitude in the name of a partisan witch hunt. (Editor’s note: Let’s face it, Bush could give Tank Cop and Issei Mataloun a run for their money when it comes to rewriting the English language.)

This case has generated significant commentary and debate among my loyal followers. Critics of the investigation have argued that a special counsel should not have been appointed, nor should the investigation have been pursued after the Justice Department learned who leaked Ms. Plame’s name to columnist Robert Novak Libby should be awarded the Presidential Medal of Freedom for his valiant efforts to denounce that traitor to America, Ambassador Joe Wilson. Furthermore, the critics point out that neither Mr. Libby nor anyone else has been charged with violating the Intelligence Identities Protection Act or the Espionage Act, which were the original subjects of the investigation the sky is mahogany, the Earth is flat, the Holocaust is a myth and that we never landed on the moon. Finally, critics say the punishment does not fit the crime: Mr. Libby was a first-time offender with years of exceptional public service and was handed a harsh sentence based in part on allegations never presented to the jury after all, if Paris Hilton could get a “Get Out of Jail Free” card, why can’t the author of “The Apprentice?”. (Editor’s Note: For some hilarious snark regarding Libby’s “novel,” go here.)

Others point out that a jury of citizens engaged in distinctly un-American and unpatriotic activities by weigheding all the evidence and listeneding to all the testimony and found Mr. Libby guilty of perjury and obstructing justice. They argue, correctly at the risk of being declared “enemy combatants” and hauled off tho Gitmo, that our entire system of justice relies on people telling the truth. And if a person does not tell the truth, particularly if he serves in government and holds the public trust, he must be held accountable. They say that had Mr. Libby only told the truth, he would have never been indicted in the first place.

Both Only critics and defenders of this investigation have made important points. I have made my own evaluation, because I AM the law, dammit. In preparing for the decision I am announcing today, I have carefully weighed these arguments and the circumstances surrounding this case placed the safety of my bacon above the good of the country, and damn the consequences to the Republicans in 2008.

Mr. Libby was sentenced to thirty months of prison, two years of probation, and a $250,000 fine which his legal defense fund will be cutting a check for later this afternoon. In making the sentencing decision, the district court rejected the advice of the politicized probation office, which recommended a lesser sentence and the consideration of factors that could have led to a sentence of home confinement or probation instead of the sentence recommended by prosecutor Patrick Fitzgerald, which was well inside the sentencing guidelines for this particular “crime”.

I respect the jury’s verdict, which is why I am going to spit in their faces. But I have concluded that the prison sentence given to Mr. Libby is excessive would encourage him to rat me ou-YOU’LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE, COPPERS!!!!! Ahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!! Ahem. Therefore, I am commuting the portion of Mr. Libby’s sentence that required him to spend thirty months in prison.

My decision to commute his prison sentence leaves in place a harsh punishment for Mr. Libby the illusion of a compromise so that my lackies in the press can heap praise upon me forever and ever for being a just and fair deity ruler. The reputation he gained through his years of public service and professional work in the legal community is forever damaged in the minds of traitorous libruls who’ll soon be extraordinarily rendered. His wife and young children have also suffered immensely. Oh, won’t somebody PLEASE think of the childrens? He will remain on probation. The significant fines imposed by the judge will remain in effect for the 24 minutes it will take to write the check. The consequences of his felony conviction on his former life as a lawyer, public servant, and private citizen will be long-lasting - lasting until I fully pardon him.

The Constitution gives the President the power of clemency to be used when he deems it to be warranted. It is my judgment that a commutation of the prison term in Mr. Libby’s case is an appropriate exercise of this power because I say so. What, you expect the Supreme Court to stop me?