JABbering Stooge

When it’s not safe for people to teach or blog in favor of evolution, you know you’ve got a problem with religious nuts. But, oh no, it’s just the Muslims who are incurably violent reprobates. Yeah, and I’ve got a bridge to nowhere for sale…

The fine folks at Sadly, No! have found yet more wingnuts trying to pass off their feverish persecution fantasies as fiction “Ripped From the Headlines™®©!!!” As Gavin puts it:

Translation: Although a small minority, fundamentalist Christians are entitled to rule America — and without any of that annoying ‘American Taliban’ talk, thank you very much.

I had a similar problem while reading Douglas MacKinnon’s pile of drek, America’s Last Days. What drew me into the book, a well-written narrative about a gang of far far Reich-wing kooks trying to incite a theocratic coup, quickly fell apart as the plot progressed plodded on and on and on and on….and on and on an-*SLAP* OW! Sorry. I forgot myself.

The main financier of the coup is - initially - portrayed as an almost laughable caricature that even the protagonists, while sympathetic to his views, treat as fodder for harmless mocking. As the plot progresses, however, he becomes dangerously delusional, even to the point where his own ostensible allies plot to assassinate him.

And speaking of the wingnut financier’s allies, they are almost immediately portrayed as the noble heroes of the tale. The “1776 Command” (an utterly ham-handed, tritely obvious name sure to send wingnuts in to spasms of one-handed typing), headed by a former Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff and a former FBI/CIA Director (the dude held both jobs, not concurrently) who are apparently gifted with Magic Wingnut Charisma Powers® that enable them to recruit The Best And The Brightest™ in all relevant fields, from financial gurus to l33t haxx0rz. They also are given access to advanced military equipment that, for one reason or another, is unavailable to the government - a government that somehow has managed to develop a working prototype of an ABL-like directed-energy weapon (which is later used to kill the aforementioned wingnut financier as he flees to Venezuela on his private jet).

Meanwhile, the government that they wish to depose and bend to their will can’t find their @$$ with a flashlight and a road map, thanks to the rebels’ Magic Wingnut Charisma Powers®. In one scene, two highly-trained FBI agents sent to spy on the separatist group’s compound - one a martial arts master, the other an Olympic silver medalist - blunder into detection by the compound’s alarm system in a cruel Three Stooges parody, whereupon they are almost instantly cut down by the compound’s security forces who are equipped with “so many built-in advantages as to be almost insulting to their pride.” Later, at the novel’s bag of flaming shit’s climax, the NEST team sent to disarm the nuke hidden near NORAD (one of five being used to blackmail the government into giving in to the insurgents’ demands) completely screws the pooch, turning much of Colorado Springs and the surrounding area into a miniature Hiroshima.

Of course, no wingnut revenge fantasy would be complete without cartoonish depictions of liberals. Such is the case with the novel’s token Democrat. Governor Brian Jackson of Massachusetts (natch), the presumptive Democratic nominee to succeed “moderate Republican” President Benjamin Stewart, is depicted as to the left of Lyndon LaRouche socially and to the right of Joe Lieberman in terms of foreign policy. At the same time, when it comes to counter-terrorism and the inner workings of the White House, Governor Jackson is depicted as being dumber than dirt.

The depiction of the other characters isn’t much better. As one reader notes:

The book’s hero, Michael McNeil, is of the type you see in so many of these kinds of novels: a disillusioned company man, no wife, distant in his dealings with his kid, etc. etc. It is clear that the female lead character, Louise Mansfield, exists soley to provide a sexual and romantic interest for McNeil. As for the adversary, Roger Allen, he is so over-the-top an egomaniac he is rendered a ridiculous caricature. Snidely Whiplash is a more realistic individual in comparison!

Another reader notes:

The main character, McNeil, was pathetic. Throughout the whole book he is supposed to be on the side of the President fighting against the group that has the nuclear weapons. Then at the end of the book, the main character, McNeil, just decides he is going to move to this “new” country. No discussion on his thought process. No discussion on why exactly he changed his mind. No discussion on why the country “Jefferson” is so much better than the US.

Furthermore, every single time a character swears in the presence of the female lead, they instantly apologize, as though somehow Ms. Mansfield is too delicate to hear such salty language (and doesn’t use such language herself). <sarcasm>Oh, her virgin ears!</sarcasm> Amanda would have a field day ripping this aspect of the novel.

Lastly, there’s the issue of pacing. As the above reviewer at Amazon.com notes:

Throughout this book there are some very intriguing things mentioned; the border war with Mexico, for example. Unfortunately, such incidents are only mentioned in passing. Instead of delving deeper into these things, MacKinnon rather waste page after page by having McNeil running all over the place with dingbat Louise (ala DA VINCI CODE), or having Allen throw yet another tirade, or -worse yet!- Judge Walters making the same speech about “Them Good Ol’ Days.” over and again. Indeed, the only true action in this story doesn’t take place until we’re two-thirds into the book. After which we are supposed to believe that the American people are going to sympathize with a nuclear device being detonated by Judge Walters’ rightist faction!

Oh, did you notice the mention of a “border war with Mexico?” Yeah, that’s a sop to the VDARE/Minutemen/KKK-types, and it’s used and discarded quicker than a $20 whore.

Put simply, MacKinnon has as much business writing fiction as I have selling Amway products.

Sadly, MacKinnon and Cowles aren’t the only ones to baldly go into this territory. Zell Miller “Democrat” Orson Scott Card has put out his jism-encrusted tome in this genre entitled, appropriately enough, Empire. Ultimately, the genre of wingnut-revenge-fantasies-for-swirlies-received-in-high-school “technothrillerwanker” quickly becomes saturated with one pile of excrement after another, each recapitulating the same theme over and over again - an infinite recursion of smelly, wet farts. The theme is this: Pushed to the limit by decades of abuse at the hands of “libruls,” conservatives rightly revolt, easily smashing their pansy, candy-assed oppressors in one decisive battle. All liberals are shot on sight, and everyone lives happily ever after, dining on Microwaved Muslim Babies™®© (On a Steek!).

Uh…huh huh huh…huh huh huh…Algore is FAT!

Wonder how he would feel if the shoe were on the other foot (advance apologies for the crudity of the photoshop):

Bush’s colonoscopy confirmed what we’ve known all along:

Count 1: Conspiracy to Violate the Presidential Records Act. We the jury find the defendants GUILTY.

Count 2: Obstruction of Justice in the unlawful disclosure of a CIA operative’s identity. We the jury find the defendants GUILTY.

Count 3: Conspiracy to Commit Voter Suppression in the 2004 Presidential Election. We the jury find the defendants GUILTY.

Count 4: Conspiracy to Commit Voter Suppression in the 2006 Midterm Election. We the jury find the defendants GUILTY.

Count 5: Contempt of Democracy. We the jury find the defendants GUILTY.

Count 6: Conspiracy to Violate FISA. We the jury find the defendants GUILTY.

So The Most Holy George W. Christ recently signed an executive order (is Cheney subject to this?) regarding the rapidly deteriorating situation in Iraq. What immediately drew my attention was this section of the order (bolding mine):

(B) undermining efforts to promote economic reconstruction and political reform in Iraq or to provide humanitarian assistance to the Iraqi people;

Those words: “economic reconstruction” strike me as being aimed at the Iraqi Parliament, which thus far has balked at The Commander Guy™’s demand for a law that would effectively require the Iraqis to cede control of the oil fields to foreign companies - preferably Bush cronies. Mr. Bush is, in effect, making the Iraqi Parliament “an offer they can’t refuse.”

But at the same time, Sara Robinson’s criticism that the executive order is so vaguely worded that it practically invites abuse is exceptionally valid. I mean after all, this administration’s long recorded history of taking a shit on the Constitution is well documented.

Perhaps Mr. Bush was trying to kill two birds with one stone. If so, I’ll see you in Gitmo.

Via AMERICAblog:

* <Latin Nerd>Cato the Elder’s famous saying “Carthago delenda est” uses the passive periphrastic form of the second-conjugation verb deleo (delere, delevi, deletus/-a/-um), which means to destroy or erase. In order to make the phrase relevant to JetBlue’s submission to O’Reilly’s “Victory Through Intimidation” tactics, I changed the phrase to be in perfect passive form.</Latin Nerd>

Looks like Pillz-E is going to have to get his fix somehwere else.

You know, all of the recent goalpost-moving being done by the Bush administration and its sycophants is starting to sound like the Bushies stole the idea from a certain Three Stooges short:

Moe Hailstone (looking at a map of “The Continent of Starvania”): Now that we have captured all of Starvania, we must take Great Mitten.

All Stooges (unison): Ya. Ya. Ya.

Minister of Propaganda Larry Pebble: Yeah, you said you were going to blitzkrieg Great Mitten by the middle of August.

Field Marshall “Curly” Herring (getting in Hailstone’s personal space): Then you said Septober. Then Octember. It’s now in the middle of Novander, and we ain’t there yet!

Moe Hailstone: Well, novander! I didn’t say what year!

Of course, the same sort of ananolgy could be applied to the now constant drumbeat for war against Iran.

Sidebar: As of this time tomorrow, I will be 55.166667 Friedman Units old.

Or so the wingnuts who obsess over his every fart (or his every fart joke) would have you believe. But know ye this, wingnuts, Olbermann had every right to start last night’s edition of Countdown with a special comment. Because it was revealed today that Undersecretary of Defense Eric Edelman had sent a letter in response to a simple request from Sen. Hillary Clinton (er, excuse me, Hitlery XXXXXXXXXlintoooooooooooooooooooon, for you Freepers and Boortzites) that all but accuses the junior senator from New York of treason for the thoughtcrime of asking if there was going to be a sane approach to an Iraq endgame. For her efforts, she was rewarded with the “terrorist-lover” slur that has been the right-wing’s bread-and-butter for the last six years now. Anyone who dared question the received wisdom of The Most Holy George W. Christ, anyone who balked at worshipping the ground he trod upon, was instantly dismissed as part of the “Blame America First” crowd or “suffering from Bush Derangement Syndrome™,” as if somehow resorting to the tactics of Soviet Russia would allow them to escape the Inconvenient Truths of this war.

But you can only cry “Wolf!” so many times before the rest of the country catches on, and either outright ignores your fallacious prognostications, or treats them with the bitter derision such blatant partisan hackery deserves. The 2006 midterms should’ve taught Karl Rove and his conservative allies in talk radio that lesson. Sadly, the only lesson they seem to have learned is that they lost not because they had overplayed their “fear and smear” card, but because they had not played it often enough.

We’ve tried things your way, Mr. Bush, Mr. Cheney, Mr. Boortz, Mr. Limbaugh. Tried them for six whole years. And what do you have to show for your efforts? Our soldiers, the best and the brightest, the guardians of our liberty, have been stretched to the breaking point in a desperate effort to referee a civil war. Those that aren’t lucky enough to make the ultimate sacrifice on the battlefield come home to deplorable conditions at the places where their wounds, both physical and psychological, are supposed to be patched up. They are betrayed because you think that supplying their most basic health care needs is a socialist handout that can be better supplied by your vice president’s cronies - even as those cronies poison and overcharge the those still fighting your war.

And the soldiers you hide behind aren’t the only ones being ill-served by your fetishistic obsession with concentrating all the world’s wealth in the hands of your buddies. From abstinence-only education to utter nonenforcement of environmental, financial and public health regulations, your policies have cut a wide swath of destruction that will take years, if not decades, to recover from. Your policies have been so utterly discredited that no sane person will ever look at them again with anything more than a jaundiced eye and a plaintive, “What the fuck was I smoking?!”

And so, with an empty ideological quiver, the only recourse conservatives have is to the old tried-and-true “fear and smear” campaign. And they couldn’t have picked a worse person to do the hit job. I mean Undersecretary of Defense for Policy Eric Edelman?! Talk about chutzpah! The man was Shooter’s national security advisor in the runup to Operation Iraqi Liberation - one of the chief neocons who helped lie us into war, whose appointment to be Undersecretary of Defense for Policy was held up by the Senate committee that Sen. Clinton is a part of. It smacks of a revenge fantasy for the parliamentary swirlie he endured.

If this is the best conservatives have got, then they are utterly pathetic, indeed.