JABbering Stooge

I’ve decided to introduce a new semi-regular segment to this blog: A Day in the Life of a Random Conservative. This segment will consist of about a day’s worth of content from a chosen conservative’s web site/e-newsletters. The overall format will be a vertiable potpourri of schticks - some my own (e.g., Conservatives on Truth Serum), some borrowed from my blog betters (e.g., Shorter Random Conservative). I’ll probably be experimenting with the format for a bit as I learn what works and what doesn’t. I think you’ll see what I mean after a few of these. And who knows - this may just degenerate intto a bastard cousin of the Two-Minute Townhalls that the fine folks at Sadly, No! put out every once in a while. We’ll see.

And so, without further ado, let’s commence the experiment! Our first victim test subject is none other than The High Priest of the Church of Agitprop, Neal Boortz. The target: yesterday’s "Nealz Nuze" section - the smegma segment of his website where he posts his "program notes" for the day.

Head below the fold to begin the fun! (Wait, THIS is fun? I SWEAR I’m not filching from Pillz-E’s stash! Honest!)

Note: For some reason, Blogsome chose today of all days to get all bent-out-of-shape about nested blockquote tags, so I can’t include the listener e-mails Boortz refers to in this post. They are available at his website, however, should you wish to read them.

Tuesday, February 5, 2008

MORE TEARS FROM HILLARY

Well, it is the day before a huge primary, isn’t it? Remember the day before the primary in New Hampshire? Hillary cries. Women go "awwwwwwwwww … " and Hillary pulls an unexpected win.

Now here we are the day before the Super Duper Tuesday primaries … women are deserting the Hillary camp for Barack Obama … and Hillary tears up again; this time while being introduced by a former professor.

Yeah … works for me.

If you believe Hillary’s tears yesterday were genuine … and not pure electoral manipulation … then you might also believe:

• That Hillary married bill for love, and now for power. [Yeah - I just LOVE the way Boortz doesn’t capitalize Bill’s name and uses "now" when he should be using "not." William Shakespeare this man is not! -Ed.]

• That Hillary really did believe that the whole Monica Lewinsky thing was cooked up by a bunch of right wingers [As it turns out, Hill was right. The whole Monica Lewinsky mess was the last arrow in the quiver from which Clinton Derangement Syndrome-afflicted right-wingers had drawn their weapons in an attempt to bring down the best president of the last 30 years. - Ed.]

• That Hillary actually didn’t know that those Rose Law Firm billing records were in her possession for the entire two years that she was swearing to congress, under oath, that she did not know where they were. [Circumstantial evidence. And even "recovering lawyer" Neal Boortz ought to know that you can’t make a case with just circumstantial evidence. See this commenter over at Oliver Willis’ blog for a more thorough debunking. Or this Oliver Willis commenter, for that matter. - Ed.]

• That she didn’t have anything to do with firing the White House travel office staff, and that even if she did she most certainly didn’t say "fire their asses." [Sorry Neal, Independent Counsel Robert Ray said that while she DID make false statements, they didn’t rise to the level of criminally misleading. Nice try, though. - Ed.]

• That she knew nothing about her husband’s pardon for those FALN Puerto Rican terrorists just before the New York Senatorial election, and that she was as surprised as we were when she got the Puerto Rican vote in New York!

• That Hillary didn’t know that there was a photographer, hired by her and her husband, hiding in the palms on that beach in St. Thomas to snap a picture of her dancing with her "husband." [And this has what, precisely, to do with Sen. Clinton’s qualifications for POTUS? - Ed.]

• That Hillary dances with her husband all the time! [Again, WHY is this relevant? - Ed.]

• That Hillary holds the men and women who serve in our armed forces in actual high regard. [Actually, if you look at actual actions, rather than rank demagoguery, Clinton did a hell of a lot more for the troops than say, The Most Holy George W. Christ and the Republic Party. "[Holding] the men and women who serve in our armed forces in actual high regard" is more than just putting a magnetic bumper sticker on your car, Neal! - Ed.]

• That Hillary didn’t eventually cost the U.S. Taxpayers $73 million by using her position at the Rose Law Firm to shelter a failing savings and loan association. [Umm. No. The Pillsbury Report exonerates the Clintons of any wrongdoing vis a vis Whitewater. You’ll have to look elsewhere for your Clinton Derangement Syndrome fix. - Ed.]

• Hillary didn’t hire Craig Livingstone an had no clue that he was gathering FBI files on Clinton enemies. [As they say in Russia - NYET! Independent Counsel Robert Ray concluded that there was no there there in the FBI File "scandal." Try again. - Ed.]

Someone had better get the tissues ready for election eve.

Shorter Neal Boortz: <Yosemite Sam>Ah hatez dat rabbit Hillary!</Yosemite Sam>

REASONS TO VOTE FOR:

Mitt Romney: Someone once said that the business of America is business. Mitt Romney has shown astounding success as a businessman. [Translation: Boortz gets a stiffy from the idea that Romney treats his grunt-level employees the way he treated Seamus the Irish Setter. - Ed.]

John McCain: There is no question about his dedication to the cause of protecting our nation from Islamic radicalism killing all Muslims. For some, this is the most important only issue in the election. His experience in Washington makes Hillary’s so-called experience look like nothing more than a quick tour of the White House.

Mike Huckabee: First, he’s a genuinely nice guy. Second … a vote for Huckabee is a vote for the FairTax Leona Helmsley Tax. This will be a signal to many candidates that although Mike doesn’t really stand a chance of winning the nomination .. he still enjoys voter support because of his promotion of the FairTax Leona Helmsley Tax.

Hillary Clinton: The Dick Morris scenario. Hillary will be such a complete and total disaster as president that a disgusted America will put the Republicans right back in control of the congress in two years. [Shorter Verbatim Neal Boortz: A Hillary presidency will give us the Congress in 2010! - Ed.]

Barack Obama: He’s not Hillary.

REASON’S NOT TO VOTE FOR:

Mitt Romney: Stalwart opponent of the FairTax Leona Helmsley Tax, though with no logical reason.

John McCain: Campaign finance reform .. the attack on political free speech. [Tanslation: Money = Speech, which means that some animals are more equal than others. - Ed.]

Mike Huckabee: Precursor to a theocracy? [Gotta give Boortz credit on this one. He has no love for the Talibangelical wing of the Republican Party. However, this is the ONLY thing he and I agree on. You know what they say about broken clocks… - Ed.]

Hillary Clinton: Where do we start. She’s a lying megalomaniac "librul" woman.

Barack Obama: This guy really showed an affinity for Marxist professors in college and law school. He’s the most liberal Democrat candidate in decades … perhaps ever any opinion to the left of Alan Keyes. And he’s a secret Muslim, don’cha know?

I think it’s safe to say that Boortz doesn’t like any of the current candidates - for various inane reasons. And speaking of which, here comes more "misHilldry":

HILLARY’S SHARED PROSPERITY

Part of Hillary’s idea of shared prosperity is that middleclass families have greater economic security and opportunities. She says it is her goal to give people the chance to achieve the American Dream. What is the American Dream according to Hillary? Having a good job, owning your home and living with financial security. In Hillary’s mind, these are all things that should be provided to everyone by the president … by government. Hillary doesn’t seem to realize that the best way to open the door to the American Dream for more people is to get government the hell out of the way.

Hillary’s version of the American Dream is a festering culture of government dependence. In Hillary’s world people have a right to a good job … they have a right to own their own home. The true meaning of the American Dream – opportunity and freedom – are completely lost. But that’s Hillary Clinton. Always willing to make government the provider … even the provider of the American Dream.

Hillary says that since September 2001 "our economy has failed the shared prosperity test." Shared prosperity? What’s that? I thought that prosperity belonged to the person who worked for and earned it. Now I learn that its not good enough to become prosperous on your own … you now have a government enforceable obligation to share it with someone .. someone who has not worked quite as hard or as smart as you have.

There’s more to Hillary’s shared prosperity vision … and that would be addressing the root cause of poverty. In that message, she addresses the people of New Orleans. She says, "So long as any of our neighbors remain in poverty, our nation’s commitment to the ‘pursuit of happiness’ for all cannot be fulfilled." Are you absorbing this? You can do your part. You can work your buns off .. achieve .. and set yourself up for life. But it doesn’t count if someone else wallows in poverty because they made bad choices or decided that, by God, they just weren’t going to work as hard as you did.

Now I know we’ve been talking a lot about hurricane Katrina and New Orleans lately. You know how I feel about the parasite culture. The government didn’t stop these people from pursuing their version of happiness. They just decided that happiness means sitting around waiting for someone else to provide. Sorry, Hillary … that is NOT the American Dream. That’s the politician’s dream.

Shorter Neal Boortz: The true meaning of the American Dream is Ken Lay and Sam Walton’s boots stamping on union members’ faces…for ever. (Oh, and notice how Boortz launches yet another racist attack on the victims of Hurricane Katrina. Nice. Stay klassy-with-a-k, Neal.)

Naturally, for Boortz, the naked hatred of T3h Clagina isn’t limited to the junior Senator from New York:

EMAIL FROM A HILLARY SUPPORTER …

Just have fun … I’ve made no attempt to edit this email. Note, please, that this Hillary supporter is of the female persuasion:

[Listener e-mail went here. - Ed.

Now Patty clearly did not read Nealz Nuze yesterday where I provided the link to Hillary’s statement on garnishing wages. That’s because Patty doesn’t have much of a clue at all, and will believe what she wants to believe. As for the economic stimulus rebates, notice that Patty failed to include perhaps the most stimulating option of them all: cutting taxes. (That’s assuming the FairTax Leona Helmsley Tax has yet to be implemented.) Instead, her opinion is that more entitlement spending will solve all of our problems. This is because Patty is a Democrat voter. And as for Hillary being a "refreshing credit" … she’d be no more refreshing than sand in a desert. Grow up, Patty. Someone find this woman a man to take care of her, so she’ll give the government a break.

Shorter Neal Boortz: <Butt-head>Uh…huh huh huh…Diarrhea’s Hillary’s supporters are stoopit!!! Huh huh huh!</Butt-head>

Well, glad that’s over wi…Huh?

BUT WAIT! WE’RE NOT THROUGH!

Say that again?

BUT WAIT! WE’RE NOT THROUGH!

Awww….FUCK! You mean there’s more?!

How about another email before we move on in Nealz Nuze. This email does a particularly good job of exemplifying the compassion and love for which all liberals are known. Again .. no editing. You’re going to love the spelling.

This from the person who neglected to capitalize a proper noun and used "now" when he should’ve used "not" at the beginning of the very same Nealz Nuze segment!

[Listener e-mail went here. - Ed.]

Ouch! I’m feeling the love today! Thanks, Web Guy, for sending this one on for me to enjoy.

Yeah. I’m not going to defend the content or the almost Bushian prose. However, Democratic Underground’s got quite the collection of similar "quality" missives incoming from our fellow Americans on the right, so if Boortz wants to use this against liberals, well… I’ll have to introduce his pot to our kettle, if you know what I mean…

LANGUAGE OF TERROR

Great Britain has created a new counter-terrorism phrasebook. This book will advise government bureaucrats on how to talk to Muslim communities about "the nature of terror threats without implying they are specifically to blame." Britain, it would seem, is afraid to offend the enemy. The British government would rather hide behind politically correct euphemisms than address the realities of the problem. Some call this appeasement.

Yeah, and some call anything less than the violent death and destruction of all Muslims "appeasement." Go figure.

As long as the Muslim community stands by and fails to do all in its power to reign in these Islamofascist murderers …. the Muslim community cannot escape blame. Islamic goons go on murderous rampages while the Muslim community remains on alert for insensitivity toward Muslims. Yeah … that’s really working out well for us.

Yeah, and calling Muslims every last name in the book and denying the existence of Muslims who have denounced Al-Qaeda (some even going so far as to issue fatwas against Al-Qaeda and Osama bin Forgotten) is really working out well for us, too.

Here are some of the highlights of the changes in rhetoric. Civil servants are not to use the term "Islamist extremism" or "jihadi-fundamentalist." Not one word about the peaceful, serene religion of Islam. Instead, they are to be referred to as violent extremists and criminal murderers or thugs. This is specifically to ensure the Muslim communities that the British do not inherently link Islam and terrorism.

Allow me to address Boortz directly for a moment. You know something, Neal? Eric Rudolph, William Krar, Paul Hill and others of their ilk are also violent extremists - products of the very same Talibangelicals you claim to have no love for. And yet you never condemn them as harshly as you do Osama’s Wrecking Krew™. Wonder why that is? Could it be that you feel the same way about Muslims that certain populations throughout history (including segments of the Muslim world) have felt about Jews?

Instead of talking about "confrontations" or the "clash of civilizations or cultures," government officials are to speak of the shared values between cultures. Because the differences between our cultures is not the issue? In fact, that is the very heart of the issue. But, again, Britain fails to see that.

<Boortz>Yeah, don’t you Limeys know that Muslims drink the blood of Christian babies and shit on the communion bread? Don’t you see why they all need to be destroyed and have their fields salted?</Boortz>

Besides this new lexicon, the government is going to give local Muslim communities $90 million over the next three years "to build resilience to violent extremism."

Gee. Can’t imagine why violent extremism is so tempting to certain segments of the Muslim world.

MADRASAHS TO FIGHT RADICALISM?

And speaking of the peaceful religion of Islam … British government schools are going to be paired up with madrasahs in the Middle East. The idea is to show the children how much they have in common with children of the West and to combat extreme Islamic ideology. The government also says the program is designed to broaden British children’s understanding of poorer cultures. (How about "sicker" cultures?) The pairing is also supposed to improve language skills of children in Islamic colleges, and challenge outdated perceptions of Britain.

The government is going to use tax payer money for the project. In fact, it is going to use $12 million to link these British children with extremist Muslim schools in Afghanistan, Iraq, Indonesia and Pakistan … including schools in the North West Frontier Province of Pakistan, which is a stronghold for the Taliban and al Qaeda.

Amazing, isn’t it? Madrasahs have come under extreme scrutiny in England after it was discovered that one of the suicide bombers behind the London bombings in July 2005 attended a madrasah in Pakistan. And this is the government’s response??

Their goal is to have the program in place by 2012. There are 30,000 government schools in the UK, which will receive grants to conduct "community projects" with their "twin" madrasah.

Shorter Neal Boortz: All Muslims are suicide bombers who need to be shot on sight!

WEEKEND CONSTRUCTION

Some residents of Boulder, Colorado are upset that construction workers are working on the weekends. In fact, they have gone so far as to go to the City Council to limit residential construction to weekdays. Scott Anderson, the manager of the construction project says that workers are working on the weekend so the job gets done faster. That makes logical sense.

But here come the NIMBYs. The whole issue got started when a woman, Kathryn Keller, complained to a city council member, Susan Osborne, about the "unbearable" construction project near her house. (Notice it’s the ladies that are upset about this.) But then it gets worse. Not only is Kathryn upset that she has to hear the noise on the weekend, she is upset because the construction project is building homes for rich people. She says, "Working those extra two days to fast-track this project to get it done for these rich people is what has pushed so many people in the neighborhood over the brink." Wow, Kathryn. You have really shown your envy of those greedy, evil rich people. I just love the words "unbearable" and "over the brink." Get over it lady. Irrational hysteria isn’t pretty.

Shorter Neal Boortz: Fuck the poor, and fuck women, too! (I wonder how his wife tolerates his naked misogyny.)

Normally, I don’t delve too much into the "Reading Assignments" section of his daily blog of "program notes" - and this one was no different: about half of the "reading assignments" were vehicles to promote rank bigotry, and half of those were pure, seething hatred of Muslims. That said, there were two from the segment that bear mentioning:

I wonder how OwlGore feels about China battling its coldest winter in over 100 years.

Oy. Here we go with that "Cold Weather Anywhere On The Planet Debunks Global Warming! No Backs times infinity!" strawman again. Boortz appears to have flunked basic Earth Science. Otherwise, he would know that weather ≠ climate! Like weather, climate can change over time. And one of the ways climate can change is to get warmer. That means that even the winters get warmer. And, oh look, that’s exactly what is happening!

Measurements show that over the last century the Earth’s climate has warmed overall, in all seasons, and in most regions. Climate skeptics mislead the public when they claim that the winter of 2003–2004 was the coldest ever in the northeastern United States. That winter was only the 33rd coldest in the region since records began in 1896. Furthermore, a single year of cold weather in one region of the globe is not an indication of a trend in the global climate, which refers to a long-term average over the entire planet.

To claim that any cold weather anywhere on Earth somehow disproves global warming is as ridiculous as a creationist asking why there are still monkeys around. Tim Lambert over at Deltoid writes frequently about global warming. I suggest Boortz mosey on over to that corner of the Internets if he wants an education on the subject.

But since we’re on the subject of unusual weather phenomena - I’m pretty sure those tornadoes in the Bible Belt last night, along with the ones in the midwest back in January - THE DEAD OF WINTER - were distinctly out of place for a type of storm traditionally occurring in spring!

Tornadoes are most common in spring and least common in winter.

And now, onto the other tripe from the "Reading Assignments" section that demanded my attention:

A woman in Great Britain was pregnant with twins, but she also had cervical cancer (which went undiagnosed by the government health system). The kicking of the babies in her stomach managed to dislodge the tumor and saved her life.

Yeah, like Boortz’s heroes - say, CYGNA (Motto: A Business of Criminal Negligence) - would’ve even granted coverage of her cancer screening, much less any subsequent treatment.