JABbering Stooge

Are you really sure that you want to go there, Senator?

Update (06/11/08, 22:57): Oh, and I’ll raise you a Carly Fiorina.

* Via.

A Vote for McBama

• After carefully studying both candidates, I have come to the sad conclusion that there is absolutely no difference between Gush and Bore — er, excuse me, McCain and Obama — except for the fact that Barack Obama is an elitist, far-left, lunatic poopyhead, and John McCain is the kindest, bravest, warmest, most wonderful human being I’ve ever known in my life, and he sends a thrill up my le-oh, wait, that’s Chris Matthews’ line. Anyway, vote for McCain!

This bit of polling data does not look good for McCain and his base:

Obama leads McCain among registered voters, 47 to 41 percent, which is outside the poll’s margin of error.

But wait, there’s more! Digging into the numbers a bit more, one finds that Obama beats McBush in several key demographics.

• Independents:

  Obama: 41%
  McBush: 36%

• Catholics:

  Obama: 47%
  McBush: 40%

• “Blue-collar” workers:

  Obama: 47%
  McBush: 42%

• Women:

  Obama: 52%
  McBush: 33%

• Hispanics:

  Obama: 62%
  McBush: 28%

Note that Obama wins two of those five demographic groups by what could be considered “landslide” margins (conservatively speaking). Also, not that these are all demographic groups that the “librul” media has already written off as permanently lost to Obama. And finally, note that this poll was conducted by the Wall Street Journal (jointly with NBC), whose editorial slant lists notably to starboard.

It sounds to me like the wounds are already starting to heal.

According to Keith Olbermann, Bill-O’s biting a rook (and that rook is gonna make him bitch!). It’ll probably be titled The Prosecution of Markos Moulitsas Zúniga for Treason*.

Update (06/11/08, 20:19): What? It’s not? Oh well. At least we can have some fun with the real title, “A Bold Fresh Piece of Ass Humanity.”

* With apologies to Vincent Bugliosi.

Doop-dee-doop*, checkin’ t3h Internetz.

WHOM DO YOU PREFER?

I’ll just create two statements here from two different presidential candidates. We’re talking health care here. Listen to these two ideas, and tell me which you prefer.

The issue here is health care. Which candidate are you going to go for?

Candidate No. 1.

• “I have great faith in the government of the United States. The government has done a wonderful job of protecting the retirement of tens of millions of senior citizens through Social Security, the most successful public program in the history of governance. There are many other tremendous government successes we should be celebrating every day. On the health front we have Medicare, Medicaid and our incredible veteran’s hospitals. We also have the new prescription medicine program without which thousands would certainly die every year. The only way to insure that the citizens of this country have adequate health care is to make sure that the same government that brought us Social Security, Medicaid and Medicare brings us our everyday health care services. The private sector works fine for things and services that people don’t actually need. Essential services, however, must be provided by government. Profits are OK for non-essential goods and services. Nobody should make an obscene profit caring for the health of our nation. In the first 100 days after my election I will begin the process of nationalizing our health care and health insurance industries. To be sure, it will be expensive. But there are thousands of wealth people in this country who each year earn far more money than they actually need. These millionaires owe a debt to the working people of this country who have enriched them. Starting next January 20th, I’ll be the debt collector for the working class.”

Candidate No. 2

• “I know that many of you are distressed over the cost of health care, the cost of health insurance and the difficulty some of your fellow citizens have in getting basic medical care. You have been told that the solution is more government. The reality is that the solution is less government. Since World War II our government has been involved in a systematic and deliberate effort to thwart any attempt Americans might make to become self reliant in terms of their own health care. Big-government politicians have created a tax structure whereby your employer can get a big tax write-off for providing you with insurance, but you get no tax break if you buy that insurance policy on your own. The goal here has been to compel you to rely on others for your health insurance rather than yourself. Lobbyists have cajoled state legislatures to add expensive “mandates” to insurance policies, often pricing those insurance policies out of your reach. If, after all, you and your spouse have no plans to procreate, why should you pay for maternity benefits? I understand the power of the competitive free marketplace. Our history is full of examples of explosions in innovation and customer service for many industries when the government gets out of the way. For one example you need look no further than the deregulation of the phone companies. As your president I intend to use the proven power of the free market to make health care more affordable and available to all Americans. No longer will our tax code punish you for assuming the responsibility for your own medical care. Under my reform plans you will be able to put aside thousands of dollars every year, tax free, to cover your basic medical needs. This will enable you to buy insurance policies; policies free of mandates; policies tailored to meet your specific needs. These policies will be substantially cheaper than those available to you today because of the large deductibles your medical savings accounts will allow. History shows when the government gets out of the way of the free marketplace the consumers are the eventual winners. This would include consumers of health care. I’m not interested in giving the government the power to control your health care. I’ll leave that desire to those who believe America is great because of government. My goal will be to get the government out of the way and unleash the power of the marketplace.”

OK … there you go. Two candidates; two messages. Care to cast a vote?

Wow. You’re not even close, Neal. In fact, you’re so far out of the ballpark that you’re looking at the game through a telescope in the Alpha Centauri system and saying “foul ball!” when anyone physically at the game would call it a home run! Here, let me fix it for you:

Candidate No. 1

My fellow Americans, it’s time to face facts. The health care system in this country is severely broken. We have nearly fifty million Americans without health insurance, whether because of pre-existing conditions that disqualify them from coverage, conditions that make coverage so expensive as to be beyond their ability to afford it, or insurance premiums that are so high that employers can no longer afford to cover all of their employees. But there is an even bigger cancer on our health care system. We have too many corrupt health insurance giants who, even though they have no trouble making a profit by playing by the rules, would throw their mommas to the wolves if it meant an extra nickel. These corrupt businessmen, who help write legislation with the aid of lobbyists in Washington, have come to see health insurance as a game of Three Card Monte, where they try to maximize profit by preventing customer service. It’s as if they had Mordac, the Preventer of Information Services running the claims department. And look at the damage that has been done by such corruption. What kind of country are we living in when politicians can declare with a straight face that CIGNA, Aetna and Kaiser Permanente know better than you do which doctors to trust for your primary care? What kind of country are we living in when some corporate bureaucrat thousands of miles away decides which hospital you can use for emergency care — even at the cost of the lives of your precious offspring? You may ask yourselves, “Can we do better than the status quo?” Yes we can. Yes we can. And it starts in places like Massachusetts, which has just implemented a form of universal, government-supported health insurance — a program that has cut the state’s uninsured population in half in its first year alone, improved employer-provided coverage by five percent, and greatly expanded elderly access to health care. It also starts in places like Vermont, where an innovative program introduced by former Governor Howard Dean that has allowed 96% of the state’s children to receive health care coverage, and provided prescription payment assistance to Medicare recipients. My fellow Americans, we have spent far too long as the only industrialized country that doesn’t guarantee its citizens universal health care, and we are starting to lose our leadership role in the global economy because of it. And if you elect me as your president this November, we can start to undo the damage of years of neglect. So I have just one question for you tonight: “Can we change this country and join the rest of the civilized world by providing our citizens with the best health care money can buy? Can we once again make our health care system a world leader — the envy of all nations?” Yes we can! Yes we can!

Candidate No. 2

My friends, there is no doubt that our country is facing a health care crisis of epic proportions. The way I see it, we have two options. We can stay the course, and let the marketplace decide everything (except when it doesn’t), or we can turn this country into the reincarnation of the Evil Soviet Empire™. I think you know where I stand on this issue, my friends. That is why the National Federation of Independent Business and the ERISA Industry Committee — no good commie bastards that they are — have opposed my sensible plan for more of the same. Now allow me to give you some Straight Talk™©®, my friends. Our history is full of examples of explosions in innovation and customer service for many industries when the government gets out of the way. Innovations such as denying payment for liver transplants for 17-year-old leukemia victims until its too late to save them. Innovations such as denying payment for ambulance transport for auto accident victims. And innovations such as latching onto any excuse, no matter how absurd, to drop customers from health insurance companies’ coverage rolls. Yes, my friends, under completely unregulated capitalism, you’d better be sure you’ve disclosed all the times you’ve had a yeast infection, or else you’ll be out on your sorry, freeloading commie-pinko ass when you have to have emergency surgery for spontaneous endometriosis! My friends, my opponent would have you believe that by espousing a “Greed is good” policy, private enterprise has harmed America’s economy. That’s not change we can believe in, my friends. He says that if we could get rid of corruption by moving to socialized health care, America can prosper again. My friends, I have just this to say to my esteemed opponent: “So?” Corruption is government intrusion into market efficiencies in the form of regulations. That’s Milton Friedman. He got a goddamn Nobel Prize. We have laws against it precisely so we can get away with it. Corruption is our protection. Corruption keeps us safe and warm. Corruption is why you and I are prancing around in here instead of fighting over scraps of meat out in the streets. Corruption is why we win. God bless America!

As you say, Neal — two candidates; two messages. Care to cast a vote?

* With apologies to the fine folks at Sadly, No!