Tuesday, August 12th, 2008
Two can play that game…
Over at America’s Shittiest Website™, Peter Kirsanow thought it would be funny to do a Jeff Foxworthy-style list of people who won’t be voting for Sen. Barack Obama for president on November 4. A lot of it involves the typical insipid right-wing stereotypes of liberals. Well, two can play that game. And so, in that spirit, I offer the following list of People Who Won’t Be Voting for Sen. John McCain™.
It’s unlikely you’ll vote for McCain if you…
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aren’t a news executive. (See Sorenson, Erik; Ailes, Roger)
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you read the New York Post for pretty much the same reason the FBI listens to Mafia leaders.
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automatically conclude that the person laughing in the car next to you must be listening to Stephanie Miller. Or McCain answering a compound question.
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dislocated your shoulder trying to explain McCain’s position on campaign finance reform to coworkers. (Or McCain’s position on just about any issue, really.)
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find memoirs generally more interesting when the author has, you know, not lied about the circumstances surrounding his divorce from his first wife.
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remember the Nixon administration.
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would give a month’s pay to play Jed Bartlett’s Vice President on The West Wing.
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increasingly believe that everything Mark Steyn says is nuts.
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think it’s relevant — despite what the sophisticates say — that several of McCain’s “spiritual guides” and associates want to jump-start The Rapture and bring on Armageddon so that they can laugh at all the Jews and liberals who will burn in Hell.
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think it’s relevant that Obama is the living embodiment of the American Dream — that only in America is his story possible.
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think about the Bush administration’s politicization of 9/11 more than once a year.
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Have concluded that John Fugelsang, Bill Maher, Jon Stewart and Stephen Colbert make way more sense than Ken Mehlman and Mike Duncan.
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you feel safer during turbulence when your pilot is not some gaffe-prone “white-haired dude” with an anger-management problem.
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thought about that scene in Dr. Strangelove where Slim Pickens rides the bomb when you first heard about Russian tanks in Georgia.
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wonder why McCain felt it necessary to question Obama’s patriotism.
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get sorta creeped out by how far the “librul” media is willing to go to help McCain.
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think the jury may still be out on Harvard School of Business.
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suspect that до свидания (do svidaniya) is Russian for “doddering old fart.”
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doubt that greenscreens are really magical dispensers of good ideas.
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know in your gut that opposing an unjustified war when it was patriotically incorrect to do so and not flip-flopping on torture (not just once, but twice!) trumps all of McCain’s judgment and experience combined — regardless of what the elite pundits say.
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repeatedly find yourself asking “How is that being a maverick?”
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have ever used the term “authoritarian nutjob” in the same sentence with “Torquemada,” “Coughlin,” or “Henry Ford.”
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don’t like being told what to do — especially by someone who has been wrong on every major issue.
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really like ticking off the media, AM talk radio, televangelists and Patriot Police busybodies everywhere.
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weren’t born yesterday.
Score (Number of descriptions that apply to you):
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0 — Go ahead, write in Alan Keyes.
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1-2 — McCain may be your choice, after all.
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3-8 — You think Huckabee got a raw deal and won’t vote McCain.
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9-24 — Obama’s your man.
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25 — It’s okay to write in FDR.
