JABbering Stooge

Didn’t we already go through this on Tuesday? Yes, we did. Well, over at ClownHall, John Hawkins now takes his shot at stereotyping liberals. So here’s my trenchant rebuttal:

You just might be a conservative if…

1. You’re sure the Constitution explicitly guarantees the right to own a rocket launcher, an Abrams tank and an M-16 with 400,000,000 ammo clips, but not the right to believe in a non-Christian religion.

2. You think Jimmy Carter is the dumbest President we ever had because he believed we ought to have a post-oil energy policy, but think McCain is a genius despite the fact he believes that Iraq and Pakistan share a border.

3. You’d be more upset about your favorite candidate being endorsed by the ACLU than the Army of God.

4. You think the same criminals who use assault weapons in the commission of a crime will piss their pants in fear when faced with an untrained “average citizen” fumbling with the safety on his Glock.

5. You know that two-thirds of American companies pay no income taxes and you still feel that the the guy bagging your groceries is a “shiftless bum who doesn’t pay enough in taxes.”

6. You put a higher priority on oil companies not having enough land to leave idle for the purpose of creating artificial shortages than you do about starving the terrorist-supporting regimes in OPEC of funds by developing alternative energy sources.

7. You’re worried that George Bush might actually be held accountable for illegally wiretapping ordinary Americans and treasonously outing a CIA NOC in revenge for her husband writing a critical op-ed, but want Randi Rhodes and Rachel Maddow thrown in prison for daring to criticize The Most Holy George W. Christ the Infallible.

8. You get infuriated when you hear about a trial lawyer making tens of millions of dollars representing victims of gangster capitalism, but don’t see a problem with Ken Lay, Robert Nardelli, Ralph Cioffi or Matthew Tannin making 50 times as much.

9. You’re constantly seeing subtle, coded racism in Affirmative Action, but see nothing racist about caging lists designed to exclude the maximum number of minorities from the voting process.

10. You think it’s obscene that oil companies are forced to pay $0.0139 per second (3,389,269 gallons consumed in 2007 — U.S. DOE, $0.13 gas tax — Hawkins’ column, 31,536,000 seconds/year) in taxes with gas prices this high, but would never suggest cutting the $1500 per second they make in profit to reduce the price of gas.

11. You think Bill Clinton is a philandering pig because in spite of doing a remarkably good job as president and in spite of (at the time) twenty-three happy years of marriage, he had consensual oral sex with an adult who wasn’t his wife, but you don’t think the same about John McCain, who cheated on his wife because an auto accident left her disfigured and besides, she didn’t inherit a beer distribution empire or the personal contacts he needed to get started in politics.

12. You think gay pride parades are disgusting and extremist and should be illegal, but carrying around giant pictures of aborted fetuses while physically blocking access to abortion clinics (when you’re not bombing them or sending them fake anthrax) is just exercising your First Amendment rights.

13. You think the incurable stupidity of minorities is proven without a shadow of a doubt, but that evolution is a Satanic religion made up by anti-Christian “scientists” and is solely responsible for the rise of Adolf Hitler, and that we need another century or two worth of evidence to figure out if global warming is anything more than “the greatest hoax ever perpetrated on the American people.”

14. You believe the best way to fix gangster capitalism screwing something up in the market is with…drumroll, please…more gangster capitalism.

15. You think the first thing we should have done when Russia invaded Georgia was to immediately nuke Russia, North Korea and Iran, and not necessarily in that order.

16. You spend your days criticizing the use of in-vitro fertilization, medical marijuana, and internet porn, go home to your Quiverfull family with four sets of quintuplets, pop a dozen “little blues” and retreat to your bedroom to instant message underage boys.

17. You have more nice things to say about countries like Sudan and Qatar than you do about your own country.

18. You think the war on poverty is unwinnable, but victory in the war in Iraq is going to happen any day now if we can just get the Republicans back in charge.

19. You won’t even support securing American ports, but can’t seem to understand why people call you racist for focusing all national security efforts on the Mexican border.

20. You think censorship is absolutely wrong; except when it’s applied to anti-war protesters or to liberal talk radio via SLAPP suits.

21. You get more upset about “swarthy male” tourists riding a ferry in Seattle than you do about a Christian terrorist deliberately blowing up an abortion clinic or shooting up a gay bar.

22. You think NPR, MSNBC, CNN, NBC, ABC and CBS are hopelessly biased to the left, but Fox News, The Washington Times, The New York Post, The Wall Street Journal, CBN and Trinity Broadcasting Network call it right down the middle.

23. You think the real hero of the Cold War was Ronald Reagan.

24. You couldn’t care less about what allies like the French or the Germans think of you, but you would be greatly upset if Americans in states like Massachusetts or California gave you a dirty look because your policies are insane.

25. You think kids in public schools should have to watch Icons of Evolution and read Help! Mom! There are Liberals Under My Bed!, but no piece of literature penned by Maya Angelou, Rudolfo Anaya or Margaret Atwood should be allowed within a hundred yards of a school.

And that’s not all. Here’s another list of things you have to believe to be a conservative. So, John Hawkins, SUCK ON THIS.