JABbering Stooge

I’ve decided to introduce a new semi-regular segment to this blog: A Day in the Life of a Random Conservative. This segment will consist of about a day’s worth of content from a chosen conservative’s web site/e-newsletters. The overall format will be a vertiable potpourri of schticks - some my own (e.g., Conservatives on Truth Serum), some borrowed from my blog betters (e.g., Shorter Random Conservative). I’ll probably be experimenting with the format for a bit as I learn what works and what doesn’t. I think you’ll see what I mean after a few of these. And who knows - this may just degenerate intto a bastard cousin of the Two-Minute Townhalls that the fine folks at Sadly, No! put out every once in a while. We’ll see.

And so, without further ado, let’s commence the experiment! Our first victim test subject is none other than The High Priest of the Church of Agitprop, Neal Boortz. The target: yesterday’s "Nealz Nuze" section - the smegma segment of his website where he posts his "program notes" for the day.

Head below the fold to begin the fun! (Wait, THIS is fun? I SWEAR I’m not filching from Pillz-E’s stash! Honest!)

Note: For some reason, Blogsome chose today of all days to get all bent-out-of-shape about nested blockquote tags, so I can’t include the listener e-mails Boortz refers to in this post. They are available at his website, however, should you wish to read them.

The fine folks at Sadly, No! (among other places) have already done a fabulous job tearing apart the post over at NRO where Mark Steyn, Scientologist, declared his eternal enmity for the media’s anointed GOP saint, Sen. John McCain. However, I just wanted to get at one of the many absurdities Steyn vomits up in his objections to the senior Senator (in more ways than one) from Arizona:

As for his my line about “some greedy people on Wall Street extremely atypical poster [children who] need to be punished are Fair Game™“, aside from being almost entirely irrelevant to the subject under discussion (the subprime S-CHIP “crisis”), it reveals, I think, one of the most unpleasant aspects of McCain myself. For a so-called “maverick” “compassionate conservative”, he’s very comfortable with I get a giant stiffy from the application of Big Government Corporate power, and the assumption of Big Government Corporate virtue - especially if it’s applied against those Lucky Duckies™ who have to choose between paying the rent and keeping their children fed and healthy.

Okay, I’ll admit it. I slipped him a truth-serum mickey here. I promise, it won’t happen again (unless he deserves it).

Undoubtedly there are “greedy people on Wall Street”. Why should he and his chums be the ones who decide whether they need to be “punished”?

Gee, I dunno, Mark. Undoubtedly there are Muslims in Canada, too. Why should you and your chums be the ones who decide whether they need to be “culled”?

If greed is to be punishable, why doesn’t he start with a pilot program applied to, say, the United States Senate and report back to us in five years how that’s going?

Well, if sectarian jihads are to be punishable, why don’t you start with a pilot program applied to, say, Canadian conservatives (especially those who want to shove all Muslims into human-sized microwaves) and report back to us in five years how that’s going?

Yech. I’m not sure I can stand any more of Steyn’s extra-batshit-crazy blend of wingnuttery. Better get a bucket, I’m gonna throw up!

* The title is a reference to two things - the “Canadian comfort food” and the anti-Scientology website Operation Clambake. I thought it rather appropriate given that the subject of this post declared a 12-year-old “Fair Game.”

I’m utterly embarrassed to say that Lamar Smith (R - Naturally) is my congressman. Unfortunately, he was one of the beneficiaries of DeLay’s Power Grab™. And he goes all out demonstrating why he sucks as a congressman. He does more projection than a 24-screen multiplex* in accusing Democrats of politicizing national security by fighting retroactive immunity for telecoms who participate in Bush’s illegal domestic spying program. In response, I thought it appropriate to run his op-ed in the Moonie-run Washington Times through the truth serum filter. As usual, struck out text is text that would not be “uttered” if the subject were on truth serum, and italicized red text is text that would be “spoken” if the subject were on truth serum.

As promised, here’s my take on The Most Holy George W. Christ commuting Libby’s sentence (with the promise of a full pardon to come) if he had been on truth serum at the time.

Via TBogg:

Congressman Eric Cantor (R-VA) who is the Chief Deputy Assistant Night Manager Trainee Whip has a great idea to jump start the moribund Republican party. Employ the boundless American ingenuity that has given us the electric light, the automobile, and beer bottle labels that turn blue to let you know the beer is cold. So Eric has set up the Solutions Factory where yokels American Patriots can share their vision of the Republican Renewal.

And where might one find this ball of offal? Why right here. Let’s look at some of the proposals:

Truth Pravda in Media

Require media personalities - reporters, talking heads, debate moderators - to disclose/display their own stance on issues they’re reporting on or discussing. For example, when doing a story on Iraq, there should be a caption indicating whether the reporter is pro- or anti- regarding the war blindly parrot only pro-Republican goodfacts.

Standard fare wingnuttery, so far. Let’s see some more.

No Naming of Public Property After Self

I propose congress be prohibited from sponsoring any bill which includes any provision for naming a program, entitlement, street, highway, bridge, sewer (well, okay, we’ll leave that one in) building, monument, community, tree, insect, vegetable, asteroid, comet, planet, and/or anything else after a sitting senator or congressman and for up to 25 years after leaving office. Further, no community or local, county, state or federal government body may name any of the above mentioned items after a sitting senator or congressman and for up to 25 years after leaving office. Why tempt them with free advertising?

That…actually sounds halfway decent. Maybe we could tweak it just a little…

Perma-ban on Naming Everything That’s Nailed Down (And Even Most Stuff That Isn’t) After St. Ronnie The Red-Ink Raygun

That oughta do it - for both that “solution” and the rest of the site. The stupid starts to burn after a while.

Coming soon to an anti-Muslim propaganda poster near you.

You know, it’s been a while since I last unleashed the truth serum on a prominent conservative. I think we’re about due for another round. And boy howdy, I don’t think that there ever was a more appropriate target than Michelle MalKKKin’s racist, Christofascist claptrap last week. As with the last time I did this, I’ll present the text of her piece of offal, marking it up as I go in the following manner:

• Text that is gray and marked through represents something the conservative would not say if forced to tell the truth.

• Text that is red and italicized represents something the conservative would say if forced to tell the truth.

The following represents my depiction of how Bush’s end run around the Senate would’ve gone if he’d been on truth serum at the time.

Note: Marked out text is, with the exception of one case, original text that has been changed/removed. Red italic text is text replacing the relevant marked out text, or added to make the "translation" make sense.