JABbering Stooge

Dow drops below 9,000 in afternoon trading, according to MSNBC.

Overall, I think Obama did well in last night’s debate. However, I think that it would’ve helped him if he could’ve responded to McCain’s rhetoric on universal health care in this way. He should’ve told the story of Nataline Sarkisyan, and then concluded with this line:

John McCain believes that a CIGNA accountant knows better than your doctor what medical care you need.

Short, pithy, sound-bite friendly, and tells an inconvenient truth about the governing philosophy of conservatives. It’s perfect!

*Ahem* HAW. HAW. HAW.

Did I get it right?

* I am aware of all Internet tradtions.™ ‘Hte’ is the new ‘teh.’

I don’t know. Something about this chart from Buttmissile over at Swingline Powerline doesn’t seem right. What could it be?

Oh, I know!

Having a GDP growth curve that’s O(e^x) doesn’t mean a thing when you’ve got Gordon Gekko conservatives creating debt on a Ω(n!) growth curve*, doofus!

* Cf.

I know I said I was going to be on hiatus for a while. You could say that I’m taking a break from my break. A vacation from my vacation. Whatevs. I just couldn’t let the latest shoe to drop in Big Shitpile (© Atrios 2007-2008) pass without comment.

Alright. I’ll go back to lurking now.

* With apologies to Francis Ford Coppola and Mario Puzo.

The ever-unflappable Sir Charles refuses to be baited by the eternally-constipated Wolf Blitzer on whether or not noblesse oblige is a commie plot to fluoridate our water supplies.

DeLay might be cleared of charges
Appeals court says money-laundering law didn’t apply to checks.

• Money laundering is okay if you’re Tom DeLay, and you’re doing it by check.

Seriously, Texas 3^rd Court of Appeals, it’s okay because it was done by check?! I know I’m just a stupid, terrorist, traitor spawn-of-Satan “librul”, but aren’t all monetary transactions in today’s politics done by check? And what sort of precedent does this set? You just know that the drug cartels are gonna look at this and say, “Okay, we just have to do our money laundering by check now (and contribute to Republicans).”

*Sigh* Welcome to Texas, where the corruption is as big as the Palo Duro Canyon.

“Shorter” concept created by Daniel Davies, perfected by Elton Beard and given a beneficial mutation by the fine folks at Sadly, No!
I am aware of all Internet tradtions.™

I’m referring, of course, to Attorney General Michael Mukasey, who once again refuses to do his fucking job:

In a speech today before the American Bar Association (ABA), Mukasey was more explicit in his rejection of any sort of review or prosecution, saying that the “negative publicity” they faced was enough:

• That does not mean, as some people have suggested, that those officials who were found by the joint reports to have committed misconduct have suffered no consequences. Far from it. The officials most directly implicated in the misconduct left the Department to the accompaniment of substantial negative publicity. … To put it in concrete terms, I doubt that anyone in this room would want to trade places with any of those people.

Worse, he tries to weasel out of one of the basic requirements of his job by saying that violations of civil service laws are not crimes:

I am well aware that some people have called on me and on the Department to take even more drastic steps than those I have described. For example, some commentators have suggested that we should criminally prosecute the people found in the reports to have committed misconduct. Where there is evidence of criminal wrongdoing, we vigorously investigate it. And where there is enough evidence to charge someone with a crime, we vigorously prosecute. But not every wrong, or even every violation of the law, is a crime. In this instance, the two joint reports found only violations of the civil service laws.

Excuse me, Mr. Mukasey, but aren’t you the Attorney General? The nation’s chief law-enforcement officer? Shouldn’t you be prosecuting all crimes? Aren’t all violations of the law — even “minor” civil service laws — by definition crimes? Oh, wait. I forgot. Under the new rules, only laws violated by someone with a “D” after his/her name are crimes.

I’m not a lawyer, but doesn’t this make Mukasey guilty of conspiracy to cover up a crime?

I’m sure you’ve seen this in your e-mail lately, but it seems appropriate to post it here, given the extreme (fuelish?*) lengths to which the airlines are going to cover their fuel costs.

I board the airline of the future and swipe my debit card through the card reader at the door. It prints out a receipt for the $5 boarding fee.

“Welcome aboard FuturAir,” the smiling flight attendant says, holding out her hand.

I fumble for a dollar bill and place it in her hand — cabin crew courtesy fee.

I make my way to my seat, as a growing sense of dread washes over me. Traveler’s remorse.

Why didn’t I pay the extra $50 to board first? I fear my fellow passengers will have bought up all the overhead bin space.

As I approach my row, the guy on the aisle stands and pats the bin door.

“Too late. But I’ll sublet the front corner for $25,” he says.

It’s airway robbery, of course.

He only paid $35 for the whole bin, but it’s cheaper than paying for early boarding. I fancy myself the master of frugal travel. I slip him two twenties and tell him to keep the change.

Keep your binlords happy, that’s my motto. He opens the door and clears a spot for my bag.

Seat belt fee
I squeeze into the middle seat — no aisle or window premium for me — and drop a quarter into the armrest to pay for the seat belt.

I fasten the buckle, then extend my arms and press my elbows together, drawing in my shoulders in the traditional Egyptian mummy position of middle-seat travelers.

I swipe my debit card on the seat-back reader, and it brings up the host of options for the flight. I select one hour of the reading light, air for the whole flight, two cups of coffee, a cookie and — what the heck, I’ll splurge — a pillow made of “eco-friendly, recycled material.” It prints out the receipt: $37. Folded over, it becomes the pillow.

Pressurize and pay
The flight attendant closes the door and the cabin pressurizes. $28.

“Good afternoon, I’d like to give you a short safety briefing, sponsored by Taco Bell.”

She refers us to the cards in our seat-back pockets, but I didn’t pay the pocket fee. It doesn’t matter. I always waive the emergency exit and flotation device charges ($3.50 waiver processing fee).

“Should there be a loss of cabin pressure,” the flight attendant was saying, “an oxygen mask will drop from above your seat. Pull the mask toward you to start the flow of oxygen. Once you have your mask securely fastened, be sure to swipe your credit, debit or FuturAir Frequent Buyer card to ensure oxygen continues flowing. Otherwise, the plastic bag will inflate, and you’ll have to make do with that.

“Please remember that should we lose cabin pressure, your pressurization fee will not be refunded.

“As a reminder,” she continued, “the use of portable electronic devices is prohibited unless, of course, you’d like to rent them from us at an hourly rate. A list of leasable electronic devices and their prices are printed in the back of your in-flight magazine, which is available for $7.50 per copy.

“Now we ask that you sit back, relax, and enjoy your flight, all for the nominal relaxation and enjoyment fee of just $25.”

The screen on my seat back registered the charge.

We came to the end of the taxiway, and it blipped again.

“$15 — air traffic control fee.”

The plane began to zip down the runway, and soon we were airborne.

“$20 — successful takeoff fee.”

Altitude surcharges, maybe
In a few moments, the intercom crackled.

“Good afternoon, this is the captain speaking, brought to you by Merrill Lynch. Using our AccuWeather forecast, we predict good weather for our trip to New York, which is sponsored by Home Depot.”

“We’ll soon be at our cruising altitude of 30,000 feet — some altitude and turbulence avoidance surcharges may apply — and we expect to arrive at the gate in time for you to pay your arrival charges without incurring any additional late fees.”

Annoyance charges
Fortunately, the flight was uneventful. I dozed, and I must have snored. There were minor annoyance charges on the screen when I awoke.

As we pulled to the gate, I paid my landing fee, deplaning fee, “buh-bye” fee. I added a tip for the captain and co-pilot. I knew they’d been working without a contract for 6 1/2 years. I’m frugal, but I’m not heartless.

I waited patiently to exit, careful to avoid any BPFs — belligerent passenger fees.

As I walked up the jetway, I looked at my receipt: $2,000 for the flight reservation, and I kept the in-flight fees to less than $250, including the side deal for the overhead bin.

Not bad.

* Sorry. Bad pun. -_-;

ThinkProgress: The Bush Administration’s Plan To Make The Endangered Species Act Extinct

Today, the AP reports on new draft rules being proposed by the Bush administration to gut the Endangered Species Act. This would be the biggest change to the groundbreaking legislation since 1988, and would not require the approval of Congress.

Currently, federal agencies are required to consult with an independent agency — the Fish and Wildlife Service (FWS) or the National Marine Fisheries Service — to determine whether a project would harm an endangered species. The AP reports that under the new rules, agencies would simply be able to “decide for themselves[.]”

I’m sure that the Developers’ Lobby is popping the corks on their champagne bottles upon hearing this decision. Texas Land Commissioner Jerry Patterson just creamed his pants.

You know, when I was a student at Carnegie Mellon, one of the student organizations was known for promoting the "theory" that "CMU hates grass." The "theory" attempted to explain why there are no trees on the Wean/Doherty side of The Mall on campus. It went like this:

1. CMU hates grass.

2. Trees are just big grass.

3. Therefore, CMU hates trees.

4. Thus, the Doherty/Wean trees must die. QED.

So by this "logic," I guess we can say that The Most Holy George W. Christ hates endangered species. QED.

But it’s just the latest evidence that Bush and the GOP hate science.