JABbering Stooge

Sen. Jay Rockefeller (D — WV): “Shouldn’t we have captured Osama bin Forgotten Laden by now?”

The ever-unflappable Sir Charles refuses to be baited by the eternally-constipated Wolf Blitzer on whether or not noblesse oblige is a commie plot to fluoridate our water supplies.

Randy Scheunemann, John McCain’s senior foreign policy advisor and bought-and-paid-for Georgia lobbyist, helping the terrorists.

DeLay might be cleared of charges
Appeals court says money-laundering law didn’t apply to checks.

• Money laundering is okay if you’re Tom DeLay, and you’re doing it by check.

Seriously, Texas 3^rd Court of Appeals, it’s okay because it was done by check?! I know I’m just a stupid, terrorist, traitor spawn-of-Satan “librul”, but aren’t all monetary transactions in today’s politics done by check? And what sort of precedent does this set? You just know that the drug cartels are gonna look at this and say, “Okay, we just have to do our money laundering by check now (and contribute to Republicans).”

*Sigh* Welcome to Texas, where the corruption is as big as the Palo Duro Canyon.

“Shorter” concept created by Daniel Davies, perfected by Elton Beard and given a beneficial mutation by the fine folks at Sadly, No!
I am aware of all Internet tradtions.™

Is it just me, or does Pillz-E resemble Albedo from Xenosaga when he calls Michelle Obama “My Belle”?

Obamacide

• If that scaryblackman closet-Muslim/extremist-Christian Barack Hussein Obama gets elected president, he will personally perform retroactive abortions on the children of all Real ‘Murkins™. Oh, and did I mention that he’s a scaryblackman? Vote McCain ‘08 — he’s not a scaryblackman!

“Shorter” concept created by Daniel Davies, perfected by Elton Beard and given a beneficial mutation by the fine folks at Sadly, No!
I am aware of all Internet tradtions.™

Can any conservative give me a reason, other than party affiliation, why it was not just okay, but a red-blooded American’s patriotic duty, to smear a Vietnam vet and denigrate his service four years ago, and not okay now to offer the slightest criticism of any aspect of the campaign of a Vietnam vet — particularly on his use of his former-POW status as a shield against any and all criticism?

Another day, another school shooting for conservatives to blame on an insufficient number of bullets flying in random directions.

I know I’m stealing the thunder of the fine folks at Sadly, No!, but it has to be done.

Shorter Michelle Malkin: Given that The Eternal Soros™ is an evil greater than Hitler, Stalin, Mao, Saddam Hussein and Osama bin Laden combined, why can’t we freeze his assets as the sole financier of that terrorist Muslim B. Hussein Obama?

Shorter Terrence Jeffrey*:Folks, I have a confession to make. I was w…w…wr…not quite 100% accurate when I accused Sen. Obama of lying about pro-lifers libeling him as pro-infanticide. I’m sorry. I’ll surrender my Conservative In Good Standing Card™®©.

Shorter John Stossel: Screw energy independence! Energy independence is un-American! If I want to enrich terrorist-supporting regimes in the Middle East by driving a Hummer limo that gets 612 gallons-per-mile, that’s my God-given right as an American, goddammit!!!

Shorter Doughy Pantload: Sen. Obama is a Liberal Fascist because he easily uses the rhetoric of a theologian. I swear, this time I really am making a very serious, thoughtful argument that has never been made before in such detail or with such care. Honest! Why are you laughing?

Shorter Rebecca Hagelin: Want to know how to destroy the librul juggernaut and turn America into the theocracy that it was always meant to be? Buy my book! Coming Mother’s Day, 2009 to a remainder bin book store near you!

Shorter Brent Bozo Bozell III: 498,123^rd verse, same as the first: Hollywood and Hollywood alone is to blame for everything from that bad haircut I received last Thursday to male impotence.

Shorter Debra J. Saunders: This Double Reverse Malkin ought to guarantee that I’ll have a shot at the gold medal in the “John Gotti’s Got Nuttin’ on the DemonRATS” event at the Townhall Olympics!

Shorter Cal Thomas: I miss the good old days when Democrats would meekly bend over and take it up the butt from us God-fearing, manly-man red-blooded ‘Murkans.

“Shorter” concept created by Daniel Davies, perfected by Elton Beard and given a beneficial mutation by the fine folks at Sadly, No!
I am aware of all Internet tradtions.™

* If Mr. Jeffrey sees this, he may decide to wish me out into the cornfield.**

** Cf.

Ohio Rep. Stephanie Tubbs Jones has been hospitalized for an aneurysm. Cue the celebratory one-handed typing of the Malkin-bots, Freepers and L-dotters in 3…2…1…

Update (08/20/08, 19:27): MSNBC is now reporting that Rep. Tubbs Jones has succumbed to her illness. I would ask my readers (all two of you) to keep her family in your thoughts tonight.