JABbering Stooge

Un-frackin’-believable:

On Nov. 1, a law in Oklahoma will go into effect that will collect personal details about every single abortion performed in the state and post them on a public website. Implementing the measure will “cost $281,285 the first year and $256,285 each subsequent year.” Here are the first eight questions that women will have to reveal:

1. Date of abortion [So we can update our sexcrime statistics, eh? — Ed.]

2. County in which abortion performed [All the better to vector in those OK National Guard Black Hawk Helicopters for an attack, amirite? — Ed.]

3. Age of mother [The sooner we can shame little Suzie into “consenting” to FGM keeping her slutty legs closed, the better! — Ed.]

4. Marital status of mother (married, divorced, separated, widowed, or never married) [This is so We The Government of the Theocratic Republic of Oklahoma can turn you over to your Commander husband/father for a proper honor killing. — Ed.]

5. Race of mother [We The Government of the Theocratic Republic of Oklahoma are concerned that too many white, Christian women are committing Gender Treason™. If the brown people and Muslims want to abort all their offspring, more power to them! — Ed.]

6. Years of education of mother (specify highest year completed) [The fewer the better, in the eyes of the Oklahoma lege. — Ed.]

7. State or foreign country of residence of mother [See my comment on question 5. — Ed.]

8. Total number of previous pregnancies of the mother
   Live Births
   Miscarriages
   Induced Abortions
   [Because We The Government of the Theocratic Republic of Oklahoma simply MUST know the extent of little Suzie’s string of sexcrimes! We can’t possibly cum mete out proper punishment for her wanton harlotry without it! — Ed.]

*SIGH* The Earth-Shattering Kaboom can’t come fast enough, it seems.

Say, Baby, put down that pipe and get my pipe up!

Watch out, Rep. Bachmann! Bill-O just might decide to call you up at four A. M. to tell you about his fantasy of sexually molesting you with a Middle Eastern food product!

I will not be lectured by those who were munging* Reagan’s corpse on national TV on how to mourn Ted Kennedy.

* Cf.

After spending seven tweets devoted to engaging in one particularly egregious libel of Sen. Kennedy, I think it’s safe to say that Andrew Breitbart has earned the right to be slapped with this:

Spending two whole days shitting on Ted Kennedy’s corpse suggests that, despite your protests to the contrary, you don’t think he had ANY redeeming qualities whatsoever.

Shorter Joseph Farah:

The real Ted Kennedy legacy

“Shorter” concept created by Daniel Davies, perfected by Elton Beard and given a beneficial mutation by the fine folks at Sadly, No!
I am aware of all Internet tradtions.™

(Inspired by JJ’s post on the subject)

If you’re wondering why I’ve been taking part in a flame war against Andrew “Combs are a Commie plot to sap my precious bodily fluids” Breitbart, let me point you to this tweet of his:

How I calculated WHEN to attack TK: Multiplied time he spent trying 2 save MJKs life & to be safe multiplied it by billion. But still got 0.

So I went to the Ratscrews Division of JABbering Stooge LLC, and put them to work developing a corresponding mathematical formula. Here’s what they came up with.

Formula for Determining When to Respond to Andrew Breitbart’s Tweets About Ted Kennedy:

t_C = t_BHDQ x k

Where t_C = time until counterattacking Breitbart and
t_BHDQ = total length of time Breitbart’s Basic Human Decency Quotient rose above a threshold value of 6.626 x 10^-34 in the first 24 hours after Sen. Kennedy’s death was announced
(k is a constant value)

Studying this formula for about a day, I discovered an interesting corollary:

Given:

t_C = t_BHDQ x k

Then:

∀ k ∈ ℜ s.t. k > 0, t_C = 0

Trust me, I tried — even with k = 6.02 x 10²³.

* Cf.

Andrew Breitbart, Dean of the Zhdanov School of Conservative Correctness, for using Twitter to leave a Cleavland Steamer* with the consistency of anal leakage on Sen. Kennedy’s corpse.

* Cf.

If it will stop your inane bitching (and Glenn Reynolds’ retweet-quality blog posts) on the subject, we’ll refrain from naming the health care reform bill after the late Sen. Ted Kennedy. In return, we want you to stop naming everything that’s nailed down after your heroes St. Ronnie The Red-Ink Raygun and The Most Holy George W. Christ The Infallible.

In light of Sen. Kennedy’s death, you can expect a flood of nasty, celebratory comments from wingnuts. Hell, they’re probably creaming their pants that he’s dead. And you can bet that some of them will be petitioning to add Kennedy’s name to the Obama Death List™. (Goes right along with Death Panels™ and Death Books™, doesn’t it?)

CAN I CALL ‘EM, OR CAN’T I? Via a post by TS at InstaPutz, it appears that conservatives wasted no time filling the cup over Sen. Kennedy’s death. Ghoulish vultures, every last one of them.

FUCK, I hate being right.